Name: legally? Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Phillips. But my real name is actually Belial Elizabeth Dylan ________. Haven’t figured out what my last name is gonna be.  

Age: 40 years old!

Current City: Olympia, WA

Do you feel any connection to your name?

Not my legal name, no. I always felt like Hannah was someone else, like someone I wasn’t really capable of being. I wanted to change my name for a long, long time because I know a lot of people choose their own name—but for a long time I felt like I wasn’t able to do that. Then one day I was like—I don’t want to be this fucking person that isn’t me anymore, so I started going by Belial in 2018.

My mom named me Hannah because she was medically unable to have children, but she said she made a pact with the Christian god: if he gave her a child, she would call if Hannah after Samuel’s mother in the Christian bible. This was during her fundamentalist Christian assimilation phase before she left Texas, taking me with her.

 Do you feel like you are making the most of what you can do at your current age?

Yes, absolutely. I have lost many deeply beloved friends along this journey. Lost to murder, to suicide, to overdose and to stupid hubris, so being here, alive, at my age, it feels like a gift and a privilege.

I truthfully never expected to live this long, myself, and experienced a kind of esoteric existential crisis because by the time I reached 40, I’d done basically everything I wanted to do (with several exceptions)—I wanted to be a musician, so I learned guitar and violin and ukulele. I wanted to sing so I taught myself to sing. I wanted to be heavily tattooed and also a tattooist, so I learned to tattoo, and tattooed myself a LOT. I wanted to be an artist, so I made art.

The only few things I’ve got left on my original bucket list are as follows: go to Europe. Write a book that I can sell to a reputable publisher. Build a thatch hovel / cobb house / witch cottage to live in so I don’t have to pay rent. As these are my last three goals remaining, I’ve had to plumb my consciousness to come up with new aspirations, bigger bolder life goals, new things I want to learn and try and do!

I want to learn to longboard, I want to learn to speak another language (Spanish or Italian or both) and I want to make critical essays about the intersections of witchcraft, anarchism, pop culture, history and my other niche interests as they interconnect on the Youtubes.

How did you end up living in the city / town you live in? 

I currently live in Olympia, WA, but I grew up (re: spent my formative adolescence) in a trailer park in Federal Way, WA about 22 miles outside Seattle city limits. I lived in that neighborhood from the time I was 14 until the time I was 25.

Periodically, people would ask me “Why don’t you live in Olympia?” and I would be like, “wtf idk why. should I live there?” and invariably, ppl would be like, “well, cause ur weird af.” I eventually, at 25, moved to Seattle, but at that point the tech industry had pretty much killed all the actual real culture in Seattle, and I could no longer afford to live there, either, so I moved to Olympia in 2013. I’ve been here thirteen years and definitely understand now why ppl were always like … “move to oly.”  

What keeps you living in the city / town you live in?

 Vestiges of anarchist, arts, and radical culture that used to thrive a lot more here. Also, I’ve put roots down here in this city. I have lived here long enough that when I leave my house, I see people I know everywhere I go. I’ve formed a strong sense of community with other people that share my values and my interests and truthfully, I legitimately feel like I’ve got comrades and a sense of history that holds me here.

 What’s your favorite part about yourself—inside and out?

Inside? My brain, absolutely. Outside? I like a lot about how I look, which was not always the case! Becoming heavily tattooed in my 20s and early 30s (mainly by my own hand) was a process of learning to love myself through the bad times and allow myself the gift of transformation when I was miserable because I thought I was too fat, or not “conventionally” pretty enough or maybe just too fucking strange to be considered “pretty” by most normal people.

I am happy to report that I no longer bother myself with thinking that sort of junk, because I learned one of the most important secrets of life: confidence is the SEXIEST thing anyone can wear, ever, hands down, period, end of sentence.

Also, in a culture that fixates on youth and beauty in some really demoralizing and toxic ways, loving and accepting urself becomes a radical act of defiance and I hate authority almost as much as I hate being told what to do. 

What do you tend to notice first about strangers?

The taste and shape of their energy as is interpreted by my esoteric/psycho-social palate. Their demeanor, behavior, appearance, etc.

Then, I pay attention to how they communicate—how do they talk about themselves? How do they speak about people who aren’t present just at that moment? Are they constantly in a negative frame of mind, spewing shitty hateful thoughts willy nilly? Are they educated? Do they speak like a person who enjoys reading recreationally? Can this person fucking control themselves?

I really do believe that if you pay close enough attention to people when you first meet them, they will divulge everything you may need to know about them in that first encounter. 

 What do you think strangers first notice about you?

My tattoos, my hair, clothes, always my physical appearance first, and then, later, my far reaching and quite expansive vocabulary. “Why do you use so many big words?” Because language is exacting and intentional and I fucking love to communicate lol.

Being as tattooed as I am, I recognize that some folks are going to assume that just because I opt to look this way, that they are entitled to share their opinions on my appearance and person whether I’ve asked them what they thought or not, almost in a “well if ur putting urself out there like this, you should expect a response,” style attitude. Which is fine. That’s valid, to a point.

I am secure enough in myself to not take this personally—what ppl notice first about me reflects something about their values and not mine.

What do you hope strangers notice about you?

People tell me that they think I’m intimidating when they first meet me, and I honestly fucking LOVE THAT because it’s so completely incongruous with my actual character and sense of identity.

But I would HOPE that strangers notice that I speak carefully and intentionally, that I am deeply kind but not ever nice, and that I am also, quietly, a terrifying force to be reckoned with if pressed.

I would also hope that strangers notice my outfits!! because I put a lot of thought and intentionality in to how I dress and the looks I create! fashion and style are massively important to me and are things I utilize as tools of expression and affirmation. I love fashion particularly because it, with all its cultural connotations and signifiers, can wordlessly communicate things to people that would otherwise be extremely difficult to say.

What do think those that know you say about you?

I think it depends on whether that person actually likes me or not, lol. I, for whatever fuckin reason, have always had a somewhat polarizing affect on people. People who dislike me would probably say that I’m a scary criminal, a drug addict, and a bad person—which is all just classist nonsense and has no bearing on my life.

People who would dislike me for those reasons may as well just say “I fucking hate poor people,” and move on. But if someone knows me, and likes me, I’d probably expect they’d say that I am funny, creative, well spoken, friendly, and very enthusiastic. Also, hopefully a good friend and comrade. I try to show up for people who show up for me.

What would you hope they would say?

I HOPE that they’d say, “that Belial girl is so fucking hot and cool, damn I wish I could be her bestie.” Lolol.

What do you hope never changes about yourself?

My threshold for weirdness. Also though, my teachability, and my sense of humility and willingness to admit when I don’t know about something so I can learn.

When I was much younger, when people would ask me if I knew about this book or that band, I was scared of seeming dumb or whatever so I’d just be like, “oh yeah that … I know about that,” until I realized that by hiding in my fear like that, I was losing out on actual legit opportunities to learn new shit! I think that when u stop learning new shit, ur dead inside.

 Were you open to the advice of adults as a teenager?

Somewhat reluctantly and petulantly, yes, but not always. I was an invincible, immortal being, as all teenagers naturally are, and no one could tell me shit because I knew fucking everything that there was to know in the whole damn world, ahaha.

 What advice could have made an impact on your younger self, if you had listened?

Well, I think I did listen tbh and that’s how I got to be the person I am.

Some things that I have learned that I can truthfully say have been universal are: don’t take other ppls bullshit personally most people really will take u at ur own estimation, so if u don’t know wtf ur supposed to be doing just look confident and walk around like u own the damn place and ppl will almost always let u do whatever the fuck u want. Be kind but never nice—nice is a performance, while kindness is an extension of empathy and human-ness.

 Have you had someone make an impact on your life? If so, who was it and what was their impact?

Oh of course! So many fucking people! I didn’t learn to read until the 3^rd grade. My third grade teacher had an impact on me because he noticed I was angry, and struggling and unable to read, and he made a bargain with me. If I gave up my recesses, he’d teach me to read (without unnecessarily humiliating me in front of the rest of the class like some teachers would have).

My fifth-grade teacher built me a cave out of filing cabinets and musty old beanbags from the ‘70s and let me play violin and write ghost stories the whole year.

My mom pulling me out of public school at the age of thirteen because they were “breaking” me as she put it.

One time when I was homeless and having a really horrible day, I was crying really hard and openly at the mall, and this big giant Chinese man named David got off the bus and held me while I cried and he patted me, and told me that it would be okay again, someday, and not to give up and he shushed me and rocked me and called me little one. I saw him recently and gave him a huge tearful hug and was so happy and proud to tell him I have housing again now, and a stable manageable life again.

People are fucking beautiful and full of the most tender, precious, ineffable, inexpressible goodness when they want to be, and I have been blessed every time someone showed me kindness without fear or classism, guided me or helped me navigate something difficult, etc.

 
 Are you the person your younger self hoped to become?

Yes, I am. As a kid, I wanted to grow up and be a cool punk rock adult with this magical gritty urban fairty tale life, and that’s basically been my experience!

I recently bought a human skull for my inner lonely scared shy awkward, creepy, death obsessed nine-year-old self, because her goals in life were to: own a human skull, own a coffin, and own a hearse. I’m happy to report that I have my human skull and my vampire coffin, and am only now lacking my Buick hearse, which there is still time to acquire!

I have been doing a lot of work with my inner child the past few years, and naturally, when I was initially introduced to this kind of therapy, I had some pretty juvenile, ugly, ableist, and unkind ideas. That it was stupid to waste ur time visualizing ur adult self-comforting and protecting ur child self. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew that scared hurt child inside me well. She fucking NEEDED my resilience and my strength and my courage and my tenacity! 

When I first started doing this work I would just cry and cry and cry. Such big ugly, soul-shaking tears. Now I can visualize sitting that neglected, chubby, smart, funny, little redheaded girl in my lap, and I tell her things like: we are safe now. No one can hurt you anymore because I won’t let them. We are protected and things are okay. You are safe now because I’m here to care for you and love you. Its healed me in ways I did not even know I needed.

 Did you follow your childhood dream?

My childhood dream was to be a parapsychologist. So not exactly, but I did work as a medium when I read tarot and did astrology professionally in my 20s before I started tattooing full time.

 Have you ever been a mentor to someone? Is that role you’d want to take on for someone?

I have taught a lot of people to tattoo! I think in a healthy kind of society, mentors are everywhere. Wats the adage? “when the student is ready, the master will appear.”

I don’t plan on having children of my own, but I would love to mentor and maybe even eventually adopt an older kid (formally or informally ofc) with whom I could share my love of the arts and music and cool subversive shit who I could teach to be true to themselves.

My mother is probably my longest, most consistent mentor, and I am grateful every day that she was the person who raised me. One of the biggest gifts she imparted to me is the knowledge that I was always, and AM always deeply loved by her, and was wanted by her from the very beginning. Because she wasn’t supposed to have been able to have children, I was her miracle! She also gave me the gift of learning to listen to and trust my own instincts.

My mother has a saying: “knock upon yourself and listen for the answer.” I internalized that through and through. At the very least, I know to ALWAYS listen to my “stomach voice” and to not EVER betray myself by ignoring my instincts. 

 How do you view the role of job and career in your life? Does it play a role outside of money?

Yes, it does, I love to tattoo and have been tattooing without the aid of machines or electricity in the greater Seattle / Tacoma / Olympia metro area for the better part of 15 years now!

The money is a great reward for doing what I love, but it really is just the cherry on top because tattooing has literally given me a way to subtly subvert (for myself at least) the dominant capitalist paradigm of working a job u hate to pay for shit u don’t fuckin really want or need. AND when I teach others to tattoo, I always tell them: this was a way out for me, and it could be for you, as well, if it’s the right path for you. 

If one thing about your life could change immediately, what would it be?

Truthfully, I wish I had more money actually. I hate paying rent. I hate paying for things that should not fucking cost money. I hate capitalism.

My goal is to write a novel, pay for representation, and shop said novel (which I’m already writing) around to some reputable mid publishers and get SOME kind of meager (in the grand scheme of things) advance for myself so I can either buy some cheap ass used tiny home for like 15k and stick it on some scrubby piece of land, somewhere or find a convenient homie who already owns some land and likes me generally well enough to let me either build a cobb house or a wattle and daub hut with a thatched roof, or some kind of tiny home situation on their land.

I have no agrarian aspirations but I am tired of living month to month, constantly playing catch up, being broke from the 15^th to the 30^th of every single fuckin month and struggling needlessly just because some fuckasses DECIDED that EVERYTHING NEEDS TO COST MONEY! And WAY more money than it SHOULD cost at that!!

I do not believe that people need to toil away generating capital for others with their skilled labor JUST to even be CONSIDERED WORTHY of having housing, or food, or access to comprehensive unbiased healthcare and a sense of community.

The very notion upsets and disgusts me, and I don’t understand why my saying these things should be seen as controversial or radical.